The Four Loves

I recently read C. S. Lewis’ book The Four Loves and found the chapter on friendship incredibly interesting and challenging.

First of all, it was super challenging. Lewis presents a very high and honorable notion of friendship. He says it is the least jealous of loves, and that the more people it is between, the better it is… “to divide is not to take away.”

It was also very interesting in that he presents a friendship that is solely based on two (or more) people being interested in the same thing and on the same journey. Friends live side by side (as opposed to lovers facing each other) because their eyes look ahead on a journey. Friendship is uninquisitive, he says, and friends don’t ask questions for their own sake. Instead of caring about their job, family, or past, friends ask, “Do you see the same truth?” Where eros is concerned with naked bodies, phileo is concerned with naked personalities.

I see much truth in what Lewis presents, but it challenges me because I don’t see most of my friends in this way. I can imagine what it would be like to have a relationship based entirely on a common passion, but I don’t think any of my relationships are like that. Uninquisitive? I certainly care about the lives on my close friends, and listen to their daily activities. In that sense, I feel the book would dispute calling my relationships “friendship,” And never jealous? Always happy to add a third? I have to admit this is not often my feeling toward my best friends. I can easily grow jealous if someone else is taking their attention, and do not want someone else to take my place. I can see, however, how this wouldn’t be the case if the friendship was solely based on something we shared in common. If our relationship was based on a passion for Jane Austen books and films, and then we met someone else who also loved her works, then I think we would be happy to have someone else to share our joy with. And I can even see how a common interest is necessary to start a friendship, a good one at any rate. But I feel like friendship quickly and easily moves beyond just a common passion. I think true friends would become interested in each other’s lives and families, and then the relationship begins to change from the type of relationship Lewis attributes to friendship.

The chapter provokes good contemplation, and will hopefully inspire the development of deeper friendships, allowing for the uninhibited “naked personalities” of Lewis’ Phileo love.

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