In our discussion of Early Christianity, I felt less of an ability to discuss and more apt to ask basic questions. I realize that I was raised in a Christian family and we took turns reciting, “God is good, God is great” before dinner. We went to church together, I read my Young Teen version of the Bible, my mom was the youth director for a good portion of my late childhood, and even worked my way through several supplemental workbooks as I read through my Bible when I was in middle school. For reasons I won’t go in to here, I grew apart from my small town church. I can still recall reciting the books of the Bible and the Lord’s Prayer, but as far as understanding icons, religious history, and religious symbolism goes, I am without a doubt the least educated.
As far as class discussion went, I felt that all I could do was listen and … ask questions.
Beginning our class period, Kip asked us which church we might have grown up in and I was the only one who said Baptist. Interestingly enough, I am also the only one who seems to have a very distinct aversion to God-inspired beauty in art, which includes icons because they seem much like an attempt to connect with an idol, which, as I learned is a sin according to the Ten Commandments… right? In addition, I see it as repulsive that a church would claim a person needs anything other than prayer to connect with God. I find that the stories in the Bible that are meant to induce fear in the reader make me cringe. I think the fact that a group of men held a meeting to cut and reorganize the Bible is baffling. And, on top of it all, I found out that what I was taught in Sunday School about angels is just a folk tale; at least, it made me happy while I still believed. (After class, Kip and I had a long conversation about what angels “look like” according to the Bible- there isn’t actually anything that says what they look like, except for vague references scattered here and there- and I assumed they all looked somewhat like humans because when people die on Earth and go to Heaven, they become angels. Well, I rationalized, ignorance really is bliss and it’s a good story).
Silly as it may sound, I find myself really having to push myself to be open to understanding early and modern Christianity. I know that I start out with a clear goal of unbiased participation in the learning process, but then we get on to miracles or prophets and I can’t help but ask myself, “Don’t these people see this is a hoax?”
Historically speaking, the development of the Christian church is so fascinating. I have learned so much about Judaism and Moses and Abraham and early Christianity. The people I am surrounded by are more than helpful at simplifying things we discuss in class, or that we see on our outings, and I truly enjoy what I’m learning. I will say that, but I would also like to point out that I remain faithfully skeptical.
Every Christian goes through a period of intense questioning and there are many more who are still questioning while “exploring their faith”. I guess if there’s any way to relate, I too am exploring my faith. In what? I’m not sure…
But, I do know that I’m learning more about Christianity throughout history and in practice, than I ever have before and it’s not so bad. Maybe there will be a moment when God and I “click”, when I begin to feel the overwhelming fascination and love that emanates from Jesus, to truly connect with the stories in the Bible. As it stands now, I will listen with wonder to the words and experiences of my classmates. Even if I don’t believe it, I can learn what I can about faith.
And, hope that at least every time a bell rings an angel gets their wings…BK